For over twenty years it has been my pleasure as a therapist to work with children and adolescents.  As a part of my practice, I have worked in hospital settings where admission is based on, among other symptoms, negative behavior both at school and at home.  However, if only one had been profoundly problematic they were not admissible to an inpatient setting. The parents of many kids who are not doing well at home complain that their kids have little respect for them; they stay up late, are on the phone when they’re not supposed to be, they are not getting their homework done, and they are very angry and frustrated.  Through the interview process I find out how extensive the problems are. The answers that can be the most frustrating for parents are that these symptoms display themselves only at home.

Now, for most parents that’s a real head-scratcher.  They can’t seem to figure out why their kids can do so poorly at home “where they love us and we love them” and then at school behave fine with people who are not even family.  The answer may come in the fact that depending on the home structure, the school’s structure may be much more consistent. Kids tend to respond better to consistency. Below are five ways schools may have an advantage that parents can adopt at home.

1) Predictable structure

2) Structure that seems larger than the individual

3) Accountability for one’s own actions

4) Goal-directed instruction

5) Positive structure-based clarity of expectations

Predictable structure:

When kids go to school they know for the most part what to expect. Even before they begin school children have heard from somebody what it’s going to be like. There are a clear set of expectations that result in the positive outcomes all students desire. A school setting has high expectations that are generally clear and easy to understand if not easy to follow for most students. I’ve seen time and again and have written in this series of articles how parents at home tend to reverse this predictable structure of school creating confusion in children. I enjoy visiting with schools and parents trying to bring teachers and parents to the same page of principles that work well for all involved

Structure that seems larger than the individual:

There’s a rule of thumb for parents with ADHD children when they take their kids and to be assessed. Take your child in for the first time they’re not going to present the symptoms. It’s just like taking your car into the shop to be fixed and it works fine that day. You almost wish the kids acted out. The reason is when children first walk into a school structure are trying to get their bearings and see how things work. As soon as they figure out how things work they go to the usual way of getting their needs met. At school children learn that there is a society out there that is much larger than they are. They learn they will have to conform on some level in order to get along well in society.

Accountability for one’s own actions:

When I’m teaching parents about positive discipline in the home I always begin by asking them what responsibilities the children have.  It’s surprising to me how often parents say, “they really don’t have any.” Those who do not are missing the development of the satisfaction of making a contribution to the whole. In the earlier years children stay in one class room. Starting in middle school, they change classes having to repeatedly be on-time throughout the day. They are also accountable for taking notes which are accountable to study time and quizzes which are accountable for larger tests and ultimately grades recording the progress of the children’s learning and behavior. Without a positive level of accountability, children get lost and frustrated not learning how to negotiate the system to get their needs met.  

Goal-directed instruction:

Early in school children learn the process by which grades and privileges are earned. The teacher never says, “Here is your grade, now I will give you something to study.” It is always the other way around. At home many times the parents think of privileges or positive consequences, like a good grade earned as if it is a reward to be taken or not given. These parents don’t use these privileges as a means of motivation they just trying to punish or hurt their child. They hope that pain creates avoidance. The problem is this tactic is reversed from how it is done in school only teaching avoidance. In school, goal-directed instruction is always pointing the kids toward what they want, a good grade leading to a good life.

Positive structure-based clarity of expectations:

Positive structure with clear expectations means that when your child is in school, they know the rules, their responsibilities, the expectations, what they are working toward, and how they will get there at all times. Home routines and rituals are vital for that same reason. At school, kids know the entire process before even studying for a test.  The tip to learn from school is to know your child or adolescent’s goals, make yours clear for them, and make the path understandable for them. Tests give feedback as to how well the children are doing as soon as possible. If you want your child to achieve their goals they will need to see the path. They will need to know how well they are doing as soon as you can. This keeps them moving forward while on the right track. Take too long and they not only begin to wander, they begin to wonder too.

So, as you can see, if your child or adolescent is one who performs better as school than at home, in principle, you can do everything that is being done successfully in schools.

John Redden, LPC-MHSP, AGAPE Child and Family Services can be reached at john.redden@agapemeanslove.org.